WoodReviewer: Tonight, on Wood Gear.
I drive over a bridge.
The voice in my head buys gas station sushi.
And the other voice in my head sits on a bench.
Hello everybody, WoodReviewer here, and today I am joined by two special guests, two of the voices in my head. Now I have a very special review for you tonight. Normally, my reviews feature me walking around a place pointing at stuff. But this is different. We are not only covering one place, but a trio of places that make up the current Ultimate Driving universe, Westover Islands, Odessa, and Newark, all by TwentyTwoPilots. Now, enough with the talking, lets go see what the challenge is.
WoodReviewer: Its morning here is Westover and we are meeting at a car shop just south of Woodbury. I have a sedan. 95 MPH top speed with a nice red coat of paint. Not sure what the two voices will have, but I think I hear one now.
Voice 1: Do you like it?
Wood Reviewer: You got a truck. And not even a good one. You got the truck people get when they want to say they have a truck but don’t want it to act like a truck.
Voice 1: Its not a truck. Its an ute. Top speed of 90 MPH and great fuel economy.
WoodReviewer: Then g’day mate.
Voice 1: Well, it’s better than whatever he’ll bring.
WoodReviewer: Well, I think I can smell him coming, and sadly you’re right.
Voice 2: Hello gentleman.
Voice 2: Why what?
Voice 1: Why did you get a car that you can’t even see over the steering wheel.
Voice 2: Says the guy who bought a motorized wheel barrel.
Voice 1: Atleast mine can turn.
Voice 2: Well mine can go 95 MPH.
Voice 1: And it takes 95 miles to stop.
WoodReviewer: Luckily, the meeting of the minds was cut short by our challenge.
So our challenge is to find as many pieces of bad wood grain in the entire map. The same piece cannot be used by multiple people, so first come, first serve. We will then meet up by Gerard Ferry before nightfall.
Voice 2: Shouldn’t be that hard.
WoodReviewer: That is where you’re wrong. You see that billboard by the car spawner? The one with the sideways wood planks severing as supports to hold up the signs?
Voice 1: Yes.
Voice 2: You can’t just call dibs on it.
WoodReviewer: Well I can and did. Good luck and try to top that.
Voice 1: And so we were off. Or most of us.
Voice 2: Well, I made it about 40 feet. I’m right across the street at a gas station. SUVs are really thirsty. Cool, but thirsty. Luckily though, this works out for me. You see this shelf?
Voice 2: Bad wood grain. That is one point for me. Also, it looks like they have sushi here. One more point for me, even though it is a moral point.
WoodReviewer: Because I had a head start from the initial sign, I decided to take the scenic route. Not only did I have to stop less, but it was also faster. And that’s when I saw my opportunity.
WoodReviewer: No one was around, so I took a look inside. And, like always, bad wood grain on a table. I was back in the lead with 2 points.
Voice 1: Right, while our resident ape was busy committing felonies, I decided to look in more public places, like hospitals.
Voice 1: Unfortanetly for me, the wood grain was correct. Still, things could have been worse.
Voice 2: And it is in this moment I realize gas station sushi is always a mistake. Luckily, the SUV needed to stop, for gas, so it was only a minor inconvenience.
WoodReviewer: Right, so right now I’m on Route 40, while the others are on Interstate 76. Quite a beautiful view over the sound between the bridges.
WoodReviewer: Few more miles and I will be in the middle of Borderville. From there I will head up to Odessa via back roads, before swinging west, again taking back roads. It’s a high-risk, high-reward scenario. I either see find nothing, or I find unique wood the other two won’t.
Voice 1: Right, so if we stick to our plans, myself and voice 2 will stay connected on Interstate 76 until we get to Route 40. It is the only real way. From there, I head North towards Odessa while he heads West towards Newark. He may have the advantage in Newark, but hopefully I get some good views in Odessa.
WoodReviewer: That is, if he could get to Newark.
Voice 2: And I’m out of gas. On the interstate. This has gone poorly.
Voice 2: Hey guys, you there?
Voice 1: Yes.
Voice 2: I’m out of gas.
Voice 1: Well that’s bad.
WoodReviewer: Crikey, you going to help him, mate?
Voice 1: I’m already near Odessa.
WoodReviewer: Well, have fun.
Voice 2: You both suck.
WoodReviewer: If its any consolation, you’re not having the worse day on this island.
Voice 1: And we continued on. Myself and WoodReviewer under our own power, voice 2 on the back of a hook. It was here I caught my second near break.
Voice 1: Well, the good news is the planks are correct. Bad news is I need them not to be.
Voice 2: While at this point I was behind the others by a large margin. But fate again blessed me.
Voice 2: So the counter at the tower place has improper wood grain. Never would have found this without the SUV dying. It may not be the best car, but it is the best at finding wood grain.
WoodReviewer: While others were having luck with wood, I had none.
WoodReviewer: Ever since I crossed the sound I’ve seen no wood. Well, besides for the trees, but they lack wood grain. I thought for sure this bridge would have some wood, but no, it’s just a small, metal bridge.
Voice 2: Still, atleast there was a bridge.
Voice 1: The bridge is gone. Not gone gone, but gone gone. Now I have to drive to Newark to get to the finish, while WoodReviewer has free reign over the entire forests of Newark.
WoodReviewer: And so the race was on. Myself through backroads, Voice 1 through Newark. Although it had no impact on points, pride was on the line.
Voice 1: The speed limit was 65, but my ute had a max speed of 90, so that was how fast I was going. Across the final bridge, off the exit ramp, and as I turned into the parking lot…
WoodReviewer: What took you so long, mate?
Voice 1: Well, atleast we’re here. How many did you get?
Voice 1: Zero
Voice 1: All the wood I found was correct, as odd as it sounds. Guess we just need to wait for the straggler.
WoodReviewer: And we waited. And Waited. Until the sun fell behind the horizon.
Voice 1: Where is he?
Voice 2: Take the SUV they said, it can go on back roads they said…
Several Hours Later
Voice 2: Ok, it took a little while but I’m finally here.
Voice 2: Uhh… Where is everyone else?
WoodReviewer: And that was our adventure through the Ultimate Driving Universe. Now lets add up the scores Voice 1, what was your score?
Voice 1: Zero.
WoodReviewer: Ok, so that’s a big goose egg. Voice 2, how about yours?
Voice 2: Two.
WoodReviewer: Ok, so that’s two points for wood grain, and -900 points for being late.
Voice 2: What?
WoodReviewer: Yeah, not my call, the producers were not happy with having to wait until 2:00 AM for you.
Voice 2: But they were gone when I got there.
Voice 1: That’s because you got there are 4:00 AM. Now WoodReviewer, how about you?
WoodReviewer: Two points, which means I win.
Voice 1: Actually one. Upon review, the spawn billboard has been declared correct, citing the fact it is more like siding rather than structural support.
WoodReviewer: Ok, so one point. I still win.
Voice 2: Before or after penalty?
WoodReviewer: What penalty?
Voice 2: The 10,000 point penalty for breaking into a house.
WoodReviewer: I did not. The door was open.
Voice 1: Right, so 0 for me, -898 for Voice 2, and -9,999 for WoodReviewer. Guess that means I win.
WoodReviewer: Right, so about the overall look of the wood grain?
Voice 2: It seemed mostly good. A few small issues, but it was only a few assets and they were mostly repeated.
Voice 1: And I saw almost no wood grain, and even less bad wood grain. In fact, this was suppose to be 3 blog posts at first, but when our producers went out to examine the places they were unable to find enough bad wood grain. In fact, most of the bad wood grain was confined to three or four assets that were reused. And even then, only a few assets actually used wood grain.
Voice 2: So the easiest way to have proper wood grain, it seems, is to just no use it.
WoodReviewer: And on that bombshell, we’re out of time. Goodnight everyone!
Love this! I would love to act as a guest on your show, i’m puggylover27 PM me if that could happen
How much do I need to pay you to make Wood Gear an actual series
10/10 would watch Wood Gear if it was a real show
Will you do more Wood Gear in 2021?